After a week and a half of worrying and caring for Joel (he sprained a ligament in his back), I find myself run down, drained, and disconnected.
I have not been prioritizing my own self-care. I have felt the anxiety and heightened nerves, the fears and stress, the pain of seeing my love in pain. And I knew it the whole time… I need to also fill my own cup, I need to breathe, I need to soothe myself. But I ignored my intuition, I made myself keep pushing through it… keep worrying, keep fretting — because he is suffering more, so I can handle it too.
But of course, I knew this is where it would lead me. Run down and disconnected. Tired and grumpy.
I have been so worried that this was a more complicated injury, something that would take months and months to heal. For 9 days, it did not seem to be getting better.
Finally, we are seeing some improvements… he is feeling better by the day… so I can breathe more easily now. I’m allowing myself to stop running on adrenaline — and the exhaustion is hitting me.
It’s also a lot, to watch your love in pain and feel their emotions… to be in the whirlwind of that energy. I cannot fathom how people do it with longer/more serious ailments. It is a lot for the nervous system.
I haven’t felt connected (or myself) enough to write… there are no messages to share at the moment. Except I felt like sharing this experience, what I’m moving through now. Just sharing to reflect.
Written with love,