Hello beautiful friends!
Coming to you with another raw post, while I sip my second naughty latte on my travels.
If you missed my first post on this (in the New Earth series), you can read it here…
It feels like recently (at least, more than usual), I have been dipping into existential feelings of, "I don’t know who I am anymore and what I’m doing with my life…" – as if everything that I felt was meaningful until now does not really matter anymore.
My skin is itchy, literally unbearably itchy — Joel and I developed a heat rash in the humid Amazon rainforest, and the spots are driving us crazy. But it also feels like a metaphor for the itchiness of an old skin, wanting to shed… and yet, I have no idea what next version of me is emerging. I feel like I have barely landed in THIS skin, and just as I was starting to get comfortable here, it’s already shedding…
"Don’t get too comfortable here," the universe says…
"I have something better in store for you."
It is human, to want to feel like you have finally arrived where you’re meant to be in life… But in a universe of constant change, the only place you can truly arrive is at home in your heart.
Then, at least you have an anchor to carry you through every inevitable birth and rebirth — the anchor of your heart.
I must let go of what has felt comfortable, what I have gotten attached to, what has felt secure, until now. I must even let go of what has been working well for me, until now — in order to create space for what is wanting to birth next.
And to do this, first…
The rest of this long-form post is for paid members.
Below, I write about going through multiple deaths and rebirths in the ascension process, getting distracted by the noise of the matrix (and finding my true compass), the transition between the old and new, subtle and unclear leaps of faith where you don’t know exactly what you’re supposed to do, living outside of the programming of needing to prove yourself, and more.
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I must get comfortable with the void of the unknown. Of not knowing, not needing to figure it out — trusting that my body, my consciousness, is energetically reconfiguring and harmonizing itself. And this doesn’t require the active participation of my analytical mind that frets… “How! Why! When!”
It feels a bit silly to be having a mini existential crisis, because at the same time, I love my life and I do feel more at peace, more trusting, of my path than ever before.
Is it really an existential crisis, or are you just awakening to more of who you are?
Am I really questioning everything, or am I just experiencing PMS, which is bringing up all the subtle suppressed emotions and doubts that are needing to be seen and loved to be cleared?
Am I really that down, or do I just need some time in nature (or a sneaky latte) to shake me back into my heart?
Is this really all mine, or am I feeling the entire weight of the collective’s pain and grief?
Do we really need to know where it’s coming from, or what it means?
No. We just need to know — no matter how long and dark this tunnel seems, it will pass. It always does. The light always comes in.
We also need to learn that feeling lost IS a sign you’re on the right path. It is essential, it is part of the process, it is unavoidable.
It is critical, because you must first unlearn all that you think you are, in order to remember who you truly are.
In this life, many souls are choosing to rapidly grow through enduring multiple deaths and rebirths of everything that they identified with.
I am one of them. And if you are reading this, this is probably true for you, too.
As painful as the transition process can be, I know I would be bored if I stayed the same. It is like my soul wants to keep surprising myself… I am this now. I am this. I am THIS! Until I remember… I am all of it.
What I’ve also realized is I’ve allowed myself to get distracted by the “matrix” ways of being, the noise of the world out there, the comparison trap that keeps making me feel like I’m behind or not doing enough.
The noise is so tempting, because keeping up with it has helped me push myself and get to where I am… it has worked well for me, until now. But it is not working anymore. I’m feeling tired of it, and my soul is pushing me to let it all go — and melt into what truly matters.
And what truly matters is my own heart. My consciousness. My energy. My own truth, the way I want to BE, who I truly am.
What truly matters is what I'm becoming now, what is here for me NOW – and not what I have been.
It is time to stop trying to be anything I am not anymore. Stop trying to please others, or my own need to feel like I am making progress, that I am enough.
I don’t need to prove myself anymore. I have been there, done that.
What a relief it will be, to finally accept that I do not need to prove myself.
Do I even know what that feels like? Have I ever lived from a place outside of that program?… The “proving yourself” and “pleasing others” programming is so deeply entrenched in the psyche of humanity.
Even the “seeking happiness” and “avoiding pain” programs.
I yearn to feel what it’s like to truly stop seeking, avoiding, resisting, and controlling from a place of lack. And instead, just BE in this life as the love that I am.
As we ascend, every belief rooted in any trace of separation must be dissolved, and this is happening in the deepest layers of our consciousness.
We hold many of these beliefs as fact; we are not even aware of them. They are simply the way things are — the way things have been. But they can no longer come with us, into the world we are creating.
This new earth that is emerging is not about what you achieve, and it is not even about your purpose or impact on the world. It is not even about seeking happiness. It is about your energy. You, being you. You, merging with all aspects of your soul. You, remembering who you are. You, creating. You and you.
I guess what has been really unsettling is this death and rebirth I am going through now feels different from the others.
It’s not like the leap of faith I took when I quit my Silicon Valley job to travel the world. It’s not like the leap of faith I took, when I decided to stop freelancing for tech startups and instead fully claim myself as an artist and writer.
Those leaps were like flashing signs. A clear fork in the path telling me, “Not this way. Go that way.”
But now, there is no clear fork or sign. It’s not like I need to leave something that is draining my soul for something that makes me feel alive.
It feels more like an energetic shift in frequency and dimension — but because we are constantly shifting across dimensions and frequency, there is no clear distinction that you have made the leap — or how much further you have to go.
This leap of faith feels more subtle.
I am already doing things that feel aligned with my soul. I am already becoming, more and more, of who I truly am. I am already deep on the path of hearing the nudges — and following them.
So why does it feel like something is missing? Why does it feel like I AM on my highest path — and at the same time, I need to re-align by just a few degrees… and yet, I don’t know exactly what is being asked of me.
The path narrows, the re-aligning becomes much more subtle, the further you go.
Ah. Here is the guidance coming through…
The feeling of “something missing” is coming up because I have lost a little focus on my inner spark by putting my primary focus on the external noise.
For example, I started off writing for my own joy and soul's connection — but lately I’ve been writing (not always, maybe 40-60% of the time) because I feel like I need to be consistent, to please my audience, to keep showing up. Because this is my mission. My gift to others. My commitment — right?
And also, because of the silly algorithm. Because it rewards those who post consistently. Right?
And tiny degree and degree, I forgot my power. I forgot that the algorithm does not have power when I honor my energy. When I am true to the natural flow and inspiration of my own soul. When my frequency has the power to create worlds and move mountains.
I forgot that my output does not matter. What matters most is honoring my soul, putting my energy first — and what blooms from there will naturally follow.
The matrix is full of temptations.
But THIS is the leap of faith I am being asked to take.
With the same amount of clarity, courage, and boundaries it took for me to stop working for Silicon Valley clients… I need to say “no more” to doing anything because I feel like I have to, from a place of lack or obligation.
No more to anything from, or for, the old energy of lack or separation.
No more of…
I need to do this, or else I’ll fall behind.
I need to do this, because others expect me to.
I need to do this, to make money.
I need to be this, because I am not enough.
This does NOT mean just do whatever I want and throw away all responsibilities and commitments.
It means deeply trusting that when I do honor my soul — everything else that I have committed to (that I WANT to show up for) will also be met, when they need to be met.
When you honor your soul, everything that needs to happen WILL happen — but perhaps in a different order, flow, or way than you expect. And most likely, with more ease.
I have found this to be true, especially on the days I let go and fully show up for myself. From the outside, it may not look like a giant shift. It may not even change what I DO. It is mostly about how I feel — but the difference there is profound.
MORNING A — When I DON'T honor my soul:
After my morning cacao, I tell myself I need to write a post for the day. I notice I’ve been feeling a bit behind, pressuring myself show up. I get into a relaxed state, tune in, and come up with something to write. It feels clunky, but it comes through. I post it. I feel good, but tired.
MORNING B — When I DO honor my soul:
After my morning cacao, I feel like not putting any pressure on myself to write or create. I get a nudge to go outside, so I go for a walk. I enjoy myself. I am fully present. After some time during my walk, a message pops into my head. A sentence or two. I jot them down on my phone, before I forget. As I walk, more words flow effortlessly. They end up forming a post. I don’t NEED to post it, but in this case, I feel inspired to. I post it. I feel great.
These are just to illustrate the point, though of course morning A and B can go infinite ways.
What is clear is when I do honor my soul, I feel better. My frequency is higher. I am in a more inspired state, receptive and open. The things that DO need to get done come together with more flow, less effort. I am able to navigate any obstacles (because they can still come up) with more presence and trust.
Obviously, after experiencing this over and over again, it makes sense to prioritize living from the space of honoring my soul. It leads to more energy, more joy, more presence, more ideas, (paradoxically) more productivity for what truly matters, and most likely — more abundance of all forms.
But. The matrix is full of temptations.
My programming runs deep, and it creeps in — especially when my frequency dips.
So what do you do, to get away from the noise and find your inner compass?
Go into silence. Go into nature. Over and over again, come back to your heart.
I was walking through the Amazon rainforest in Peru with Joel and a local guide, stopping occasionally as our guide pointed out wildlife — monkeys, birds, insects, medicinal plants… It felt like we were walking for hours, and as we went deeper into the jungle, I felt my mind rest into silence, letting the sounds of nature hold me.
Nature is the organic template of the earth. Nature holds the frequency for you when you feel like you cannot find it yourself — to help you come back to yourself and feel your heart again. Nature reminds you of what is important.
We took a small canoe across the marsh, and we broke through the trees to reach our first expansive view of Lake Sandoval. It was stunningly wide and glassy, the water reflecting the palm trees and sunlight. No one else was there. The macaws flew overhead, singing, and I felt like — this is the New Earth. It is here. It has always been here, right beneath our feet. And at the same time, it has expanded along with us — our pacha mama, mother earth.
We say we want to experience the New Earth so badly – and yet, we don't take enough time to be with nature, to feel her.
At sunset, we watched the monkeys leaping from limb to limb, then rowed back to land. We made our way through the jungle with a flashlight, to the sound of our footsteps and the jungle symphony. In the quiet, everything melted away.
Just be you. Just follow your joy.
The noise out there, the noise of your mind, telling you that you need to do all these things to get ahead — that isn’t real.
Listen to your heart. Trust its guidance. This is your compass. This is your highest path. Nothing else matters.
A Vision of Humanity
I can see all of us, standing at the edge of the cliff, looking out into the abyss… squinting to catch any glimpse of what is on the other side.
One by one, wondering if we are absolutely crazy, scared to the bone — we take the leap. Hoping our wings will catch us on the way, daring to trust the voice of our hearts, telling us… “Yes, you can do it. This is the way.”
One by one in free-fall, our wings burst open — more beautiful and majestic than we could have imagined. We are flying.
The ones who went first are whooping as they soar through the air, yelling back to those on the cliff, “It’s ok!! Come on!”
One by one, those on the cliff take a deep breath, finding the courage to take the leap.
If you are reading this, you are the ones — bravely leaping, courageously listening to your heart, showing the way so that others may follow.
Wave after wave, the rest of humanity apprehensively approaches the cliff. They are wondering if this is the end of the world. They do not know they have wings, they do not know that they can fly… that a beautiful new world awaits, one that can be seen only when you let yourself believe.
You tell them that they have wings, and they call you crazy.
You tell them about the visions you see for the future, and many think you have lost your mind.
But some of them find themselves hanging on to every word, goosebumps on their skin — because what you describe sounds like a familiar dream. And something in them is beginning to remember.
And this is how it happens.
Wave after wave. Leap after leap. Flight after flight.
There will come a time when there are more souls flying with their magnificent wings, more souls seeing and feeling the New Earth birthing from within — more souls leaping than those who are standing on the edge of the cliff.
There will come a time when the scales tip, the momentum shifts — and it will seem crazy not to leap, not to believe.
There will come a time when every soul knows their power, and they remember who they are.
And for generations to follow, this great legend will be told – that humans once walked this earth without knowing who they are. Without knowing they had wings. Without knowing why they came. And with awe, they will wonder how we did it, how we endured for so long.
It will be the greatest story ever told. And we are the ones, writing it. In this moment. Now and now.
Here are some photos of life lately.
Written with love,